Most
long car trips offer the serious practitioner of sullenness, many opportunities
to exercise the art of rage, the craft of surly silences, the multiple
techniques of inducing acid indigestion in all passengers and can play every
opportunity to create and spread misery in a grim cloud over any car’s
passenger compartment. These can all be
achieved and maintained, by careful husbandry, for hours if not for days.
For the
neophyte chaos architect we shall offer a series of suggestions for you to
sneer at and pick apart, even while gleaning finer nuanced control of the
possible misery to be inflicted to all and sundry around you.
First of
all, put off all preparations that should be done in advance to the last
possible moment, preferably requiring the packed car to be driven in widening
circles in search of a parking space close to a passport or other government
office. Through rush hour traffic in a
large city. This allows for maximum
amount of back-biting and recrimination between the adults responsible for the
road trip in the first place.
. You can never say “I told you so” often
enough.
.
Judicious use of “You always” and “I never” will set things nicely boiling.
Try to
delay packing the car early so that you can bellow at, rant or fume quietly at
everyone else running around trying to get ready to leave, and ensuring that
all critical document pick-ups will be as late in the day and as stressful as
possible. Try to be late enough that the
children in the car, or better yet everyone, must all stop for a bathroom break
in the middle of the traffic snarled hunt for a parking space.
Absolutely
refuse to stop at either convenience stores or fast food restaurants, claiming
that you don’t want to be forced to buy anything to use their washrooms. Make everybody wait till you’re all in the
office building in question. This way
small children may more easily be lost, requiring a massive man-hunt by
building security.
Now, if
by some miracle all documents are safely picked up, signed, counter-signed,
stamped, sealed and all official and everyone has gained their various forms of
relief, there is no need to relax just yet.
A detailed critique of everyone’s bad behaviour in public is always
possible on the walk back to the car. If
you delay things long enough you might be fortunate enough to receive a parking
ticket before you manage to actually start on the long trip you were supposed
to have started at some ungodly hour this morning.
